| | | For Men Why do men fart more often than women? Because women don't keep their mouth shut long enough to build up the pressure.. *NEWSFLASH* Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 1000 tampons for $1 No Strings attached but for a limited period ONLY! Its A bloody good deal! How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other guy has, you wish you had ordered that. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Our marriage was a love match. plain and simple, she was plain and I was simple! I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? WIFE : Worries Invited For Ever
For Women Why do men have their best ideas during sex? Because they are plugged into a f..king genius. The only thing my husband and I have in common is we got married on the same day! Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and by then, it was too late. Love L Before O, And V Before E
That is the relation between U and ME. They say true love is just round the corner I must be walking in circles. I'm scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because every time I fall in love... it never seems to last. There are times when I fall in love with someone new, but I always seem to find myself back in love with you. Trying to forget someone you loved is like trying to remember someone you never knew. If love were to be taxed, I would be the highest tax payer. Promises are like babies, easy to give hard to deliver. A special smile, a special face, a special someone i cant replace, i luv u i always will, you've filled a space no one can fill! Good time, bad time, night time, day time, work time, off time, sad time, happy time,
all I'm trying to say is I think of you and miss you all the time. A ring is round,
A well is deep
And in your arms I long to sleep
And in your bed I long to lie
No one else but you and I Who cares whether this is a poem or rhyme, I will love you until the end of time...
True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and only few have seen. Love is when you don't want to go to sleep, because reality is better than a dream.
Love is like a cloud.. love is like a dream.. love is one word and everything in between.. love is a fairytale come true.. because I found love when I found you. If I were to be anything in this world.. I’d be your tears!!. So that I can be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks & die on you lips!! If i'm in hell and you in heaven, I will always look up and be proud of you. But if I were in heaven and you in hell, I would beg God to send me down because heaven wouldn't be heaven without you. Friendship True friends are like Diamonds... they are real and rare. False friends are like leaves... they are scattered everywhere. Friendship is a priceless gift that can't be bought or sold, but to have an understanding friend is far more worth than gold!! I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends. A memory lasts forever, and never does it die. True friends stay together and never say goodbye.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
Keeping a friend is as difficult as losing one. You sacrifice a lot to keep them. I may not have sacrificed enough for you... but in my heart I swear I'm keeping you..
A ring is round and has no end.. and that's how long I'll be your friend.
There is a gift that gold cannot buy, a blessing that's rare & true, that's the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend that I have in you!
A good friend is like a good bra.. Hard to find, very comfortable, supportive, and always close to the heart.. Hello my Good BRA.
Never abandon old friends. They are hard to replace. Friendship is like a bottle of wine: It gets better as it gets OLDER. Just like us.. I get better, you get older.
Life is not easy and it will never be, but you've got best of friends and one of them is me..
Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver the other gold.
My girlfriend ran off with my best friend after a relationship of four years....Oh how I miss my friend. A friend is sweet when it's new..but it is sweeter when it's true! But you know what? It's the sweetest when it's you.
A friend gives hope when life is low, a friend is a place when you have nowhere to go, a friend is honest, a friend is true. A friend is precious a friend is you. People live, People die, People laugh, People cry, Some give up, Some will try, Some say hi, Some say bye, Others may forget you, but never will I. Of all the gifts, big and small, your friendship is the greatest of them all. Friendship isn't how you forget but how you forgive, Not how you listen but how you understand, Not what you see but how you feel, and not how you let go but how you hold on!! On a silent night when friends are few, I close my eyes and Think of you, a silent night, a silent tear, a silent wish that you were here!! The years will come, the years will go. But with each one I will always know, whichever way the road may bend you will always be my best friend. Are we friends or are we not? You told me once but I forgot. Of all the friends I ever met, your the one I won't forget. And if I die before you do, I will go to heaven and wait for you!! Life can be hard and not always fun. But as night brings dark morning brings sun. When life gets tough and no one seems to care. Give me a call because I will always be there!! I am a hitman, I kill people for money. But because you are my friend, I'll kill you for free!!
Wedding One Liners The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Marriage is grand, divorce is about 10 grand.
Husband to friend: Do you know what it means to me to go home to a really good meal in a clean and tidy home?
Friend: You've gone to the wrong house?
I've never forgotten the day I got married - and don't think I haven't tried hard!
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months-I don't like to interrupt her.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Why is marriage like a violin? After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Marriage is an institution. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing, which puts a ring on a woman's finger ... and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence. (A life sentence!)
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
Weight Watchers Dear God, thank you for making me healthy. Can you also make me sexy? If you can't make me sexy, please make all my friends fat. Amen. Adult/Christmas He laid her on the table, so white clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat. He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then felt her breast, and then drooling felt thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, he gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide. He looked inside, all was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms. And then he stuffed the turkey. May I be the first to wish your dirty little mind a Merry Xmas. The 7 kinds of passionate women The Optimist – "Yes! Yes! Yes!" The Pessimist – " No! No! No!" The Confused – "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!" The Asthmatic – Written rendition of gasping The Sprinter – "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!" The Religious - "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!" The Mathematician – "More! More! More! More!" A sexy woman is like a bank note. You don’t know how many have handled it, but you still want to have it. Son to dad, "dad I've just had sex for the 1st time". Congrats said dad getting 2 beers out of the fridge, any questions son? "Yes, how long will my ass hurt?". Doctor says to paddy, ur wifes had triplets. Paddy says im not surprised, I’ve got a co_k like a chimney. Doctor says, well get the f..cker swept, the kids are black. A woman has been chucked off ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire’ for masturbating…… She didn’t quite understand the Fastest Finger First bit. While making love, he says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one. Kiss: Height of Love Nipple: Peak of Love Penis: Length of Love Pussy: Depth of Love Ass: Base of Love Testicles: Weight of love Sucking: Taste of love Masturbation: Substitute of Love Condom: Care of Love Sperm: Cream of love Pregnency: Proof of love Child: Punishment of love Two men in a bar: 1st: "I shagged you're mother", 2nd man ignores him. 1st says "up the arse as well - she sucked my c_ck too" 2nd man: " go home dad, you're drunk" A man was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing & he answered - waitng for Autumn.
Its been a rough day today. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the rest room (Gents). It is the sweetest to do... Do it in bed, on couch, in the washroom, in your automobile
You Must Never Stop Doing It
Good Night you Its Called..PRAYER. God bless your dirty mind.
Health and Beauty Thank you for sending your photo to enquire at "Extreme Makeover Saloon". We need to let you know we only have surgeons not bloody MAGICIANS! Religious If you want to know how much God loves you, try to catch every single raindrop. The ones you catch is how much you love God and the ones you miss is how much God loves you.
Miscellaneous Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?" All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? Common sense is common, but... the use of common sense is uncommon !! Promises are like babies, easy to give hard to deliver. All nice things in life are illegal, immoral, or make you grow fat. I visited the tax office. I wanted to know the people I work for. The hospital you were born in regrets to inform you that your birth was an accident. Please report to your nearest hospital to be put down. We apologise for any inconvenience. I'm not as dumb as you look. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong... Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it? I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. God must love stupid people. He made so many. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do? The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you! I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. You're never too old to learn something stupid. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. When in doubt, mumble. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here." Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. If winning isn't everything why do they keep score? If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants. Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one. | | | |